Friday, September 21, 2007
insecurity.
7:57 PM
the insecurity i feel just wont go away.... the self-loathing is a little overwhelming. i hate this feeling of being invisible. im proud of her, i really am, yet deep inside, im shameful of the jealousy i feel of being overshadowed by her... the fact that i dont "hold the record" anymore. she did way better and she deserves it so why am i feeling this way? the way my parents rejoiced. in a way they have never done when it was regarding me. i feel like a complete failure.
its seriously overwhelming me. i cant focus on my work. and i doubt i'll make it through the promos. no matter how much i study, it wont be enough. it has and never will be enough. *im sorry to all those i pushed away. maybe i just need to be alone because at the moment im not even considered company.time to mug... sighs.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
****
7:33 PM
****. now im too emo to actually focus. bloody hell. all because of one damned conversation. someone please shoot me so i wont have to kill myself and go to hell.
i have autophobia. how wonderful.
motivation.
6:33 PM
i need motivation. seriously. sighs.anw. my ex-form teacher passed away three days ago. i found out the day after and i actually cried. she made an impact on me and guided me through my troubles. may her soul rest peacefully in heaven and may her family hold strong throughout this period of grief... i went to her wake ytd. glad to see that most of my ex-classmates turned up. im sure she wld hav appreciated it.went out after that but i wasnt very good company cuz i was in a very contemplative mood.... her death made me realize just how much i've been taking my parents, my family and my friends for granted. only god knows when they'll be taken, i pray it wont be anytime soon. oh wells.i need to study!!!! i shouldnt be here and i shouldnt have gone out ytd but i think i wldnt have gotten anything done if i had returned home ytd anw. at least i got a chance to chill out and emo a little. lols. anw three days to go and i have bio and econs to cover. time to study. cheers!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
the past
12:54 AM
okay here's a poem i came across while looking through my old diary. its relevant to how im feeling. i know its emo but its better than my previous poem(:
shattered spirits, never to be found
haunting voices, whispering around
forced into submission, silence is all that remains
surrendering to motion, never to be the same again
hatred locked inside, anguish left unsaid
secrecy kept away, hidden till present day
condescending thoughts, disillusioned tones
a quiescent breaking, misery is showing
triggered memories, emerging slowly
beautiful melodies, sinking gently
hurt can never be erased, wounds always revealing
forever undiscovered, sorrows that lie within.
oh man i'm feeling emo again. i should be studying. CHEERS!
first entry
12:11 AM
my very first entry. a new page of my life.
except that this time, i wont make the same mistakes i made in the past.
or at least i'll try not to.
oh welll. basically the past week has been rather refreshing(in a sense).
i've been relieved of my post as a girlfriend.
now i can focus on my studies since promos are in 9 days and i havent touched my bio or econs. so technically this will be my first and last entry till i finish exams(not that anyone is redaing). i was just inspired to start the diary which i started in the early part of this year but had no desire to update until a few minutes ago.
so a little about me.
my name's nuzurath and i'm currently 17, studying at meridian junior college. i'll be 18 in a few months on the 25th of January. i'm part of MJ's 5th students council. i love being a meridian leader but sometimes it can be a pain the a**. i recently ended a 4 month plus relationship and have no intention of getting another boyfriend anytime soon. i think four failed relationships is more than enough. at least for now. you could say that i learn things the hard way. oh wells. its God's will. i can only hope and pray that things go well in future. i still have time to make mistakes and learn.
now's Ramadhan, a time for me to ask for forgiveness and start over. i love fasting month(: although i'll be real busy by the end of it. there's planning for open house, farewell assembly, OGL camp, orientation, prom, J1 bash and so on. not to mention A level malay exam. but hey i think i can handle it. with the people i love and treasure by my side, i can overcome any obstacles i face.
here's just smth emo.
the loss, now barely an ache
becoming more bearable
its truly for the best
to avoid any trouble
getting my hopes high up
in the end breaking my heart
vowing to always be by my side
yet hurting the person inside
gestures that felt so loving
yet promises filled with nothing
your inner self shines through
and i finally see the real you
putting up a front wont help
hiding in the darkness i accept
suppressing the fears i felt
the mirror of my better self
constantly haunted by memories
time to step up to what i believe
naivety hinders me no more
from what is supposed to be
there i've said it. now i can finally let go. its not one of my better poems but hey it expresses what i feel.
