The first part of this post is dedicated to the one and only Fazall.

I'm extremely touched by what he wrote in his blog about me (: He made my day. Thank you for all those times you cheered me up when i was down, imitating people and just being your cheery self.

It breaks my heart to see you not smiling and the words i passed on to you were from the bottom of my heart. I really meant what i said and i hope that you remember that no matter what happens, everyone, the councillors, your dearest friends and me, will always be there with you to share your burdens and your happiness...

It's times like these when you realise how important some people are to you and to me, you are one of them. You have, undoubtedly, made an impact on my lives, since the day i met you and up until now. You listened when no one else bothered and you tried to help me, to the best of your ability.

I apologise for losing my temper at you, those times when i was pms-ing or just having a stressful day. Thank you for withstanding my mood swings and nonsense. You are a good friend, with a big heart and the J1 cohort of 2008 should consider themselves lucky, having you as a schoolmate (: Like a special person once told me, chin up! Dont ever frown because you never know who may be falling in love with your wonderful smile.

To the one who cannot un-love me.

I dont know if you will read this but here goes. It's been awhile since we had a proper talk without any awkwardness. I was genuinely surprised when you asked me to go back with you together but i can honestly say that i enjoyed the time we spent together. Reminds me of those old days when we were first getting to know each other. lols.

I know that you may still have feelings for me, from the way you shower care and concern on me, it's pretty obvious. I know you made that promise and it cannot be undone but please, try to move on alright. Although i do care for you a lot, i doubt that things can go back to they way it was. I'm sorry.

To the darling who's been having problems.

Babe, you know that no matter what happens, i will always be there for you. I know you well enough by now that i shouldn't pressure you into telling me what happened. You will let me know when the time is right. Don't let whatever's happening affect you and just be patient. I know you're upset with some people and they may be feeling the same way about you but just take it easy.

A lot of us are under pressure with the upcoming OP and we tend to say things that we don't think through first when we're stressed and mentally exhausted so please, just take it easy alright? I'm here if you need to talk. Call me anytime dear (:

To my guardian angel.

Thank you for being so patient with me and for taking care of me all this while. I'm truly grateful for everything you've done for me. Meeting you has opened a door to a whole new world with a different perspective. Maybe that's why i feel that i have changed over these past few weeks. Hopefully it's for the better but only time will tell. Your exams are starting soon and i wish you all the best. I'll be there by your side, cheering you on from the sidelines.

* Ku ukir nama kita berdua
Disini surga kita*

Went out with shez today. I bought three tops, she bought two. Can't believe we could have gone shopping at a time like this. Oh wells. It made me less grumpy i guess. Thanks dear. Had fun watching you eat (: Anw. For some reason i was in a rather bad mood today. Perhaps because of what happened during the OP dry run. Perhaps it's because im pms-ing. Perhaps i just have a lot of things on my mind. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Dont tell me i didnt warn you.

A lot of things have been running through my mind the whole day. Ever since i went for live the dream last night and got locked out of the house as a result but hey thats a story for another day.

Right now, i just feel plain confused. Different. Changed. Have i? It's as if my personality has changed and i'm this whole new person. The funny thing is i don't recall when the change actually took place. An altered me. I feel as if i don't know myself anymore. Maybe my girlfriends would know. The change may be good but it could also mean other things. One definite change is the drop in my tolerance level. My tolerance level has seriously fallen to an ultimate low, losing my temper at the slightest things. Used to be able to tolerate all kinds of things, now i just keep on saying things that i completely regret later on.... Sighs.

Honestly, i didnt enjoy myself as much as i thought i would last night. Maybe it was that edging feeling that i was supposed to be doing something other than sitting down and enjoying the night with the company of my darlings. At the very least, i got to know my cousin a little better (: He has some great friends, the way my girlfriends are my besties.

This feeling just doesnt seem to go away... Am i really needed in this world? Or just a mannequin on display? My motivation and purpose in life seems a little non-existent from my point of view. Perhaps i shrunk. That or i need to get my eyes checked.

*approaching my limits*

sighs. i really dont know what it is that he's trying to achieve, sending me all those emails and messages. call me evil but i feel that he's being a little over-dramatic.... what the hell is he trying to achieve?? *deep breath* okay. i shall not dwell on that. there's other things i gotta worry about.

PW's is really draining me of my energy. i barely had two hours of sleep last night.... i know im not the only one out there suffering for OP-itis so persevere people!

went to the beach today. the wind felt really good. refreshing and free. sighs. i wanna go back there again. anw. im addicted to gundam seed. ohman. i should torture the person who intro-ed it to me. lols. okay i'll end here cuz i wna watch.
CHEERS(;

okay im too lazy to update a proper entry so this will be a really short one. today was mostly PW and basically slacking. i feel a lil guilty for leaving yi hao early. hope it wasnt as kecoh as the first batch. thank god i didnt have to work with HIM. seeing him atill affects me a lot. especially during the past few days. one word from him can alter my mood for the entire day. sighs. guess i should stop living in denial and accept the fact that MAYBE, just maybe, i'm not over him yet. oh wells.

met my GA today (: he made me smile. lols. just talked about a mixture of random and serious stuff. i was being moody for some reason so to my GA, im sorry! gonna go study tmr. i know i know. im crazy to be starting my revision too early. well all i have to say is thank you(: haha. started my maths today and hafiy caught me in the act. the amazement he felt was clearly written in his expression. he's a gentleman actually. he got the H-bitch off my back. stupid woman. i dont pay attention, you naik hantu. i pay attention also you naik hantu. sighs. i doubt you'll ever be happy with whatever i do. so you know what? i dont care.

moving on. OGL interview. was actually quite fun, directing people i mean. for some amazing reason, i was in control. lols. okay anw. too lazy to update anymore. im off to my lalaland with my darling. nites! (:

the paranoia's setting in.
how do i know what's wrong or right?
it feels as if i'm losing trust in myself.
maybe im not as mature as i thought.
perhaps what she said was right.
i dont know anymore....

all i want is to be happy.
no misery, no sadness, no regret.
is that too much to ask for?
i'm scared of getting hurt again.
4 times is definitely more than enough.

sighs. whats wrong with me.
i wanna be with my gfs till my problems all go away.
they're the only ones who'll understand...

*dreams dont stay forever*

to all muslims reading this, SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI (:
the time now is 6.40 am, second day of raye. so what exactly am i doing here at such at early hour? PW of course. lols. woke up at 5 to do it. hopefully its good enough for my grp leader. i slept at one plus and after this post im gg back to sleep. today's gonna be a long day so i need my beauty sleep.

ytd was a gd day and surprisingly i collected quite a lot of money. compared to last year. *wondering* went to five houses ytd then came home to prepare for the open house at my house. there's gna be two more today. ohwells. mingling is quite fun. met this girl called aruna from SAJC last night and we had a damn good talk. lols. for some reason i could just talk to her, we were quite comfortable with each other, talked bout everything under the sun. its actually quite rare to find that kind of company.

anyway i know that not everyone's having a great time.
if you're reading this, you know this one's for you.

"You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say

Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through"

i'll be here for you. always.

time for my beauty sleep. cheers(:

im resigning from council.

now all that's left for me to do is to hand in my resignation letter.

at least my parents are happy.

*lost in the sea of confusion*

warning: this is gonna be an emotional post. up to you if you wanna humour me or not.

drowning in a sea of hopelessness. despair is overwhelming me. sighs. what exactly is this depression all about? i'm just feeling really down and useful. a complete failure.... all i think about is how useless i am. i'm incapable of accomplishing even the simplest tasks. all i get in return for the effort i put in is criticism, insults and even more criticism. so i ask myself, why the hell am i even bothering in the first place? but deep inside i know its a responsibility i have to partake because i made a decision, i was chosen. i would never have a clear conscience if i just gave it up halfway. sighs.

even my guardian angel couldnt cheer me up. what the hell is wrong with me? i'm lost in the confusion i feel. i dont know what i want or where to go from here. all i know is that i need a good hug right now. to be kept safe and warm until all my confusion, regrets, everything just disappears. until i'm whole and sure once again. i hate feeling like this. ARGH!

*someone just kill me so i wouldnt have to it myself and go straight to hell*

hello. okay i havent been updating for some time. i apologise. i typed in an entry not long after my promos BUT it got deleted. haha.

so lets talk about exams first. generally i felt i did alright. not too bad but not too good. bio was the worst. maths, econs, gp, chem & ml was good, in that order. oh wells. its over and done with. i'll be getting back my results tmr and a few people have asked me how i've managed to stay so calm. apparently a lot of people and i mean A LOT of people have been fretting over the results and worried that they'll be retained. so if there's anyone reading this, dont worry alright. things will turn out fine. have faith in yourself and in God.

open house was great! (:
i jumped ard until i started getting cramps. haha. got my period so im not fasting. i apologise if i hurt anyone, i was kinda grumpy ytd so COUNCILLORS especially the guys, please try to understand. lols. anw. met hedayaty and her bf. wah her bf's smart man. six-pointer. i had a fun time playing games at the IGC booth wit nani & marcus and it was fun hanging out with my two darlings. they never fail to make me smile(: and the school was so responsive and hyper. i think everyone did a superb job in making the visitors feel welcome. who says meridians cant work and play hard? lols.

FA's a MAJOR pain in the butt. so annoying. especially that bugger. i dont ever wanna work with him again. after all he said and did, i just feel like giving him a hard kick in the *****. oh wells. whatever i cant be bothered with him. waste of time.

on a more serious note, this is what's going through my mind right now. if you're reading this, i sincerely hope you'll understand. things will never be the same again, no matter how much you or i want it to.

"I gotta say what's in my mind
Something about us
doesn't seem right these days
life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan
is always rearranged
It's so hard to say
But I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be ok..
I've go to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away
Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
and I watch them fall everytime
Another colour turns to grey
and it's just too hard to watch it all
slowly fade away
I'm leaving today 'cause I've
gotta do what's best for me
you'll be ok..
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away"

i think the song speaks for itself. i doubt you'll be reading this though. sighs. there's so many things left unsaid but perhaps its better this way because we cant even look each other in the eye, much less have a proper conversation.

to my guardian angel.
thank you for being honest with me.
this one's for you.

When I'm lost, in the rain
In your eyes I know I'll find the light
To light my way
When I'm scared, losing ground
When my world is going crazy
You can turn it all around, yes

And when I'm down you're there
Pushing me to the top
You're always there giving me all you've got
For a shield, from the storm
For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you
For the strength, to be strong
For the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that's true
I turn to you

*pondering*

Nuzurath
250190
Meridian Junior College
07s309
MJC 5th Student Council
Triton
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