Wednesday, November 28, 2007
farewell.
6:12 PM
farewell everyone...LOL i make it sound like im gonna leave for good. nah. It's only for about one and a half weeks. I'll be going to KL, Penang and Kuantan. I'll come back, not to worry.I do regret not being able to help put with the prom. Sighs. It is with a heavy heart that i will be leaving with in a few hours time. Because i cant do anythin more than what ive done, going back on my promise with sandeep and leaving all my loved ones behind, even if it is for a holiday. Things arent going too well within my family itself and im not entirely sure that this trip is gonna be worthwhile.anyway. A few shoutouts before i leave.to my besties:Take care of yourself and have fun(but not too much fun alright?). I'll miss you guys and i'll try to bring back some stuff for you though i dont think i'll be shopping there. We'll have another get together when i get back alright? It's a date! (:to the council:JIAYOU! i know its not gonna be easy but please give your full support to the prom comm. Have fun and take lots of pictures. I truly apologise for not being able to be physically there and share the burden with you guys. Take care of yourselves and of one another. I <3>
to my GA:
i'm sorry i wont be here for your operation but please know that i'll be thinking and praying for you. Call me if there's anything. you have the numbers right. Oh and dont overwork yourself alright? I know you need smth to occupy your time but just dont overdo it. Take care.
I guess that's all. Gotta go pack now. CHEERS!
*say goodbye but dont you cry*
Sunday, November 25, 2007
refreshed.
8:19 PM
Camp is finally over and the council can finally take a breather for a day or two before preparations for prom continues. It was enriching though i do think that the almost sleepless nights was a little ridiculous.
A combination of 3 hours sleep over two nights is definitely not enough for me or any of the other councillors to make it through with smiles on our faces during every single minute of the day. The expectations are a little too much. Oh wells.
Individually we may not be that strong but together, as one council, we're invincible.
Anyway, im glad its over and honestly relieved that everyone's alright. Take a good rest guys, we deserve it(:
well done to malina and yi hao for not giving up! you guys did an awesome job (:
To those who felt anger and frustration during the camp, my advice is to just let go. People can say what they want but unless they truly know what we're going through and exactly what's going on, they have no right to criticise us so blatantly or to be so ungrateful and direct any anger to us. We are doing what we're supposed to do and they have to understand that. Dont let you emotions be affected by their selfish and immature complaints.
To all those who put their faith in council, i really have to thank you. It was heartening to see and hear that there are people who really care about the council and how we are doing instead of just demanding us to do stuff and all. The respect i hear in their voice is enough to encourage me on through the three days which was both mentally and physically exhausting. So thank you (:
*speak out of anger and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret*
Monday, November 19, 2007
reflections.
2:26 AM
well it's been an unexplainable week, with my father choosing to ban me from all council related activities the night he fetched me from the bash, to the tongue lashings and lectures i had to endure right after, the feeling of loneliness and ignorance i had to endure from both my parents the days after and the constant bickering with my sister.
I did the only thing that was available. study. yes me, nuzurath nisha, studying. LOLS. It was the best distraction though i got unreasonably frustrated when i couldnt get some answers right. Anyway the situation has improved, rather well i must say. My parents have decided to let me go for OGL camp. Hopefully i'll be able to go for prom as well. I'm looking forward to the camp this weekend although i know i may be pushed to my limits. oh wells.
I received hugs when i went to school today for the briefing. It was surprising how much i actually missed going to school, sitting in the lt listening to some crazy woman, waiting to hear that oh-so-beloved bell that signals the end of lessons, gossipping at our usual table in the canteen etc. But most of all, i missed the nonsense of the 5th SC, the rubbish jokes, the pressure of deadlines. A week away from reality actually made me realise just how busy and occupied ive been these past few months.
Anyway. It's been awhile since i've felt like me. My old self, the one who can think clearly without getting frustrated, the me who can be completely patient while trying to help someone out, the me who listened and was at peace with herself. ME(: I have to thank a few people though.
Firstly to the one who came to me for help:
To be honest i'm really flattered that you came to me considering the fact that you are actually more experienced than me. But i have to say, thank you. By helping you, i've helped myself, regaining the confidence, composure and most importantly the clarity of mind i once lost due to all the complications and overwhelming pressures in my life.
I'm reminded of the "talent" that i have. If intuition is considered a talent that is. I'm glad that i can make good use of what i have and that the people actually appreciate it. It brought a smile to my face, knowing that today, i did something that was really worth it and that someone smiled because of what i did.
secondly, to nihilist:
I'm glad that things have finally worked out between us. Thank you for being sincere and looking out for me. Once again, my apologies for everything and i hope you get better. Drink lots of water. (:
lastly, to my GA:
Thank you for the wonderful company. It was the medicine that i've sought after these past few weeks to finally overcome the depression and restlessness i've been feeling. You never fail to cheer me up and make my day, putting smiles on my smiles (:
*a complete work of art, finally*
Saturday, November 10, 2007
irritants.
5:59 PM
*clears throat*
i have an announcement to make.
*pauses*
i will not be attending the end of year bash tmr.
*applauses*
yeah right. I can only think of one person who'd be rejoicing and i shall not divulge that information to anyone. Not at the moment.
Things have gone downhill since i last posted and i keep on getting irritated at the slightest things, i.e. getting pissed with my brother because he said something silly. *bangs head against the wall* what the hell is wrong with me.
Anyway. Had an argument with my parents last night on the way home which ended up with me losing my cool, both my parents yelling at me and my three siblings sitting there in mortification. I have to thank my siblings though because i got the feeling that they all sided with me and wanted to come to my defense but there was that little problem of my parents finding fault with them as well.
And right now, i'm the only one equipped to spar with my parents because of my experience in fighting them and also my maturity. Actually, we all know better than to fight back when my parents start ranting but being the stubborn idiot, i just cant seem to keep my mouth shut.
oh wells. I guess if a ranking of daughters all over the world existed, i would be right at the bottom. Neither of my parents can understand the turmoil i'm going through because firstly they're both one of the youngest in their families and secondly they never listen to what i have to say. "Don't tell me all this. Tell me things that concern me" a quote from me beloved father.
so don't you think it's truly ironic when he starts going on about how i never tell him anything and that i'm always hiding something from him? my father and his antics. He may act like the perfect father in front of others but he doesn't fool me. Naturally he thinks that everything he says or thinks is right, the perfect decision, the perfect everything. I'm just a fly on his perfectly unblemished wall. Sighs.
*breathes* alright. Enough ranting for today. Shall make some dedications before i end off.
to my darling Quek:
Thank you so much for calling me to check up on me and giving me the reassurance as well as comport that i was in dire need of. I'm truly truly touched that you bothered to call despite the fact that you yourself are facing problems. It's really heartwarming to know that there are people out there who really care about what i feel and not just what i do. Thank you dear (:
to my GA:
I apologise for making you go through that horrific scene where i let hysterics overcome my common sense. You definitely did not deserve that but i guess the little frustrations that have been bothering me this past few weeks have finally filled up and overflowed. I'm truly sorry. Thank you for being patient with me and calming me down when you could have just walked away from all this and not be bothered with the little girl who cant control her emotions. thank you (:
lastly, to one who has yet to let go:
thank you for trying. To show that you care, that you still love me and that you want to be there for me. I appreciate it, i really do but i want you to move on. I need you to move on. Because i already have. I'm sorry if this brings up the painful memories but i have to be completely honest with you before things get worse.
My past few entries dedicated to you have not been entirely direct so let me come clean with you once and for all. I doubt we can ever get back together. There's just too many painful moments and misunderstandings. My feelings for you have diminished since before i asked for the break up, the few weeks before it ended. You left me hanging too many times and it hurt a lot. To be just kept in the dark.
Things will never go back to the way it was. Even if it did, i don't want to go through the same thing again. I won't be able to take it. Mentally that is. Thank you for everything. I hope we can remain friends because i honestly think that you're a good friend. Take care.
There i said it. Done.
*let me walk away without a word*
Friday, November 9, 2007
mood swings.
5:45 AM
It's been a long week. A really really long week. For some reason, i'm stressed and exhausted BUT the most frustrating thing is that i don't even know why. Maybe it's just PMS. *wonders*
Going out today helped a little. Went for harbourfront recce with jk, mars, cy, kelly, sherman & quek. Super hilarious and they really made my day. Distractions are unavoidable especially when the girls outnumber the guys.
to sum it all up,
5 GIRLS + 2 GUYS + temptation to shop= MAYHEM!
(with jk & sherman running about to catch us) (:
nevertheless, it was a breather for me. Maybe i should just sit back, stay home and relax for awhile. My period is really late though i've been having cramps for a couple of days already. The pain just gets stronger but it's just not happened. I apologise if that sounds wrong. The frustration and worry is sort of setting in. Oh wells. At least some people made me smile today so thank you! (:
i finally got my jeans. the black and white one that i've been desiring for these past few months. PLUS i ate kfc for dinner. That's was the best part of today. (:
okay i'm too lazy to update more. I'm afraid that if i continue, this post will become one of sadness, regrets and whatever nots. I'm drained enough as it is. Goodnight!
*just walk away and don't look back*
Friday, November 2, 2007
smile.
6:10 AM
Smiling can do wonders. I can honestly vouch for that. So what are you waiting for? SMILE PEOPLE! Like i always say, don't frown because you never know who's gonna fall in love with your beautiful smile (:
You may ask why i'm suddenly talking about smiles. Well, it all started yesterday morning when i was waiting for my turn at OP. I was trembling and my stomach was whirling, left right center, inside out. Then a thought struck me, why was i being so nervous about this. I've been through this nerve-wracking experience before, when i first stood up there on meridian's hall stage for rally and election week.
So i came to a conclusion, just smile and get over it. And so i did just that. I stood up there and delivered wonderfully(with a handful of mistakes). I made the assessor smile and that's satisfying enough for me. I would like to thank all the lovely darlings who encouraged me along the way and wished me luck especially to my guardian angel who gave me the confidence boost i desperately needed.
Now all thats left is my insights & reflections report. Then it will all be over. All the torture and irritating nonsense will all go away. I wont have to force myself to be civil and professional anymore. Playing nice really drains one's energy.
Anyway. Spent today slacking.
Satisfaction derived from slacking the whole day= PRICELESS
It's been a really long time since i spent a whole day lazing around (: I'll be going jalan raya tomorrow. I can't wait, to finally see my fellow darling pltmates after all this time. It's gonna be fun! Shall end of here for now. CHEERS!
*smile, an everlasting smile
a smile can bring you near to me
don't ever let me find you gone
cause that would bring a tear to me*
