That Love Awaits...

Saturday, May 24, 2008

11:01 PM

For the first time in a really really long time, the feeling of helplessness overwhelmed me. Watching the tears roll down silently, in shock. Not believing what was happening but trying to come to my senses at the same time. The sight brought tears to my eyes.

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Coz I'd miss you baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Coz even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Labels: i love you

Friday, May 23, 2008

3:52 AM

My head is currently in the clouds.
Fazall said the sweetest thing just now.

"I think nuzurath is more beautiful"

That's what he said. Isn't that so sweet?
In case you're wondering what we were talking about, I was asking him about the J1 guy who was supposedly mesmerized for a moment when he saw me. I begged him until he told me and when he did, I was in complete shock. FOr the simple fact that 1. I know who the guy is, 2. I've talked to him before and 3. I know his gf! And I was asking whether his gf or me was prettier and that was fazall's answer... AWWWW!

Okay enough of that. Had e-learning today and yesterday. It was BS. Enough said.

Went to study with Irah ytd and studied with Shaggy today. I had a great time catching up with both of them.

To Irah: Follow your heart but pay attention to what your conscience says.

To Shaggy: Chin up dear. You are who you are. Success is about who you are and not what you have, Believe in yourself babe, because I know many who believe in you, especially me.

Speaking of that. One of my good friends got angry with his sister today. Hearing his side of view, I can completely understand and definitely relate as to why he felt that way. Being the eldest just like him, I've had my fair share of screw ups and covering up for my siblings, with very colourful outcomes. But the cause for the anger is mainly due to the love we have for them. The anger arises from our failure to protect them and bring them up as best as we can, being the eldest brother or sister.

After all I've been through, the most important lesson I learnt is that, growing up is not a passive thing that happens to us but an active decision that we make for ourselves. We cannot force our loved ones to grow up, that is a decision only they can make. All they need is time but time is not something that can be controlled. So all we can do is wait, pray and have faith.

Many a time, we find growing up a terrifying prospect for the simple fact that it would mean leaving behind the sweet comfort of blaming our parents for ruining our lives and taking full responsibility at last for our own steps in the wide unknown. Think about it.

Labels: what is it that you fear the most?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

7:46 AM

It's scary how one day, you wake up feeling alone although somewhere in your head you know that your loved ones are only a phone call away.
The feeling of emptiness with no visible support anywhere near you.
Not from your friends, not even from your family.
As if it's all becoming negligible?

Somehow, I'm feeling that way. A sort of detachment from friends to schoolwork. Maybe it's not an unfamiliar emotion, just a dreaded one. It feels as if the past, future and present has merged right in front of my eyes and I can't seem to do anything to change it, no matter how hard I try.

Hiding so many things I know I should tell you but I couldn't find the words to say it. Even now, the numbness inside me is holding everything back.

I fear losing control of my every emotion.
I fear losing that feeling of floating on air.
I fear of hearing the words... goodbye....
I fear of the feelings I promised myself I would never feel again.
I fear of giving myself to be hurt again.
I fear of not being enough.

How can love & fear be twisted together so much that you can't even differentitate between what's good and what isn't?
Your love has made me realize what it is to love so much that fear takes control. I don't know if my fear of losing you will win or if I have the strength to hold on and wait.
That's what I feel, fear.

Labels: the fear of love

Monday, May 12, 2008

5:39 AM

Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something strange and new is happening

Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

A really soothing song.
hmmmm....

Someone told me that someone else said that I was a very scary person. I was a little hurt by that comment because it's a first for me and I can't seem to understand what brought upon that judgement. Am I really so scary? If not, what is it that scares you? What is it that you fear?

Power. Focus.
That's all I need at the moment.

Labels: finally

Sunday, May 11, 2008

10:15 AM

Insomnia.
Been suffering the past couple of nights. Can't seem to sleep well. Maybe it's because he's away. Not trying to think too much about it though.

Talked to my cousin from australia today. I really miss him. He's always there when I was down. He gave me a much needed confidence boost today. He commented that what I say and my tone are completely contradictory. Maybe I'm just deluding myself into thinking that everything is alright when in actual fact, it hardly is.

Anyway. Talked to my sister today and she broke down. I'm running out of ways to comfort her, all I can do is pray that she will learn to be patient. There is nothing else that can be done either way. Patience is what we need. My gf asked me a question that day.

"Don't you feel suffocated?" she said.

My answer to that surprised even me. The answer was no. I didn't realise that I've gotten so used to it that by now, the restrictions and lack of freedom hardly affects me. Maybe I've come to terms with it. I wonder...

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Labels: whatever it takes.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

6:39 AM

The love birds were on the same bus as me today. Contrary to what I initially thought, they are actually quite compatible and it was really sweet, watching them together. (:

The past few days has brought about much turmoil to my inner self.
It seems as though my focus and discipline has flown out of the window.

There’s so much I want to say to you but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to hurt you but my patience is reaching its limits. Thinking about all that negative stuff should be the last thing on your mind. I have always and still do have absolute faith in you so why do you doubt me? Is it too much to expect the same treatment from you?

Sighs. I don’t know what to do anymore. Whatever I do doesn’t seem right anymore. All I see are mistakes all around.

Labels: It's not as easy as I thought